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Marrow Bones: English Folk Songs from the Hammond and Gardiner Manuscripts |
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John Appleby: John and Joan: Or, A mad couple well met |
| 'This ballad of Martin Parker's is of a mad couple who, having wasted their store, turn sober at the end. No other copy is known to be extant. The Paratour is the name given to the tune. Probably "The Apparitor," or summoning officer of the Ecclesiastical Court, is meant. He had enough employment in the seventeenth century, and there may have been many ballads about him that have passed away. Some one has written in ink on the Rox. copy, after "Paratour," "or, A balett late was made."' |
John and Joan:
OR,
A mad couple well met
TO THE TUNE OF The Paratour
You nine Castalian Sisters,
that keep Parnassus hill,
Come down to me,
and let me bee
inspirèd with your skill,
That well I may demonstrate
a piece of household stuffe;
you that are wed,
mark what is sedd,
Beware of taking snuffe.
A mad phantastick couple,
a young man and a Lasse,
with their content,
and friends consent,
resolv'd their times to passe
As man and wife together;
and so they marry'd were.
Of this mad match
I made this Catch,
which you that please may hear.
They both had imperfections,
which might have causèd strife;
the man would sweare
and domineere—
so also would his wife.
If John went to one Alehouse,
Joan ran unto the next;
betwixt them both
they made an oath
That neither would be vext.
What ever did the good man,
his wife would doe the like;
if he was pleas'd,
she was appeas'd;
if he would kick, shee'd strike.
If queane or slut he call'd her,
she call'd him rogue and knave;
if he would fight,
shee'd scratch and bite,—
He could no victory have.
If John his dog had beaten,
then Joan would beat her cat;
If John, in scorne,
his hand would burn,
Joan would have burnt her hat.
If John would breake a Pipkin,
then Joan would break a pot;
thus he and she
did both agree
To waste all that they got.
If John would eate no victuals,
then Joane would be as crosse;
they would not eat,
but saved their meat
In that there was no losse.
If John was bent to feasting,
then Joan was of his minde;
in right or wrong
both sung one song,
As Fortune them assignd.
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The second part
TO THE SAME TUNE
In Taverne or in Alehouse,
If John and Joan did meet,
who ere was by
in company,
might tast their humours sweet:
What ever Joan had cal'd for,
Joan would not be out-dar'd;
those that lack'd drink,
through want of chink,
For them the better far'd.
Thus would they both sit drinking
as long as coine did last;
nay, more than this,
ere they would misse
good liquor for their taste,
John would have damm'd1 his doublet,
his cloak, or anything,
and Joan would pawne
her coife of Lawne,
Her bodkin, or her ring.
If John were drunk, and reelèd,
then Joan would fall i' the fire;
if John fell downe
i' the midst o' th towne,
beewraid in dirt and mire,
Joan, like a kind co-partner,
scorn'd to stand on her feet,
but downe shee'd fall
before them all,
And role about the street.
If John had cal'd his Host "knave,"
Joan cal'd her Hostis "whore;"
for such like crimes
they oftentimes
were both thrust out of dore.
If John abus'd the Constable,
Joan would have beat the Watch:
thus man and wife,
in peace or strife,
Each other sought to match.
But mark now, how it chanced,
after a year or more,
this couple mad
all wasted had,—
and were grown very poore.
John could no more get liquor,
nor Joan could purchase drink;
then both the man
and wife began
Upon their states to thinke.
Thus beat with their own wepons,
John thus to Joan did say,
"Sweet heart, I see
we two agree
the cleane contràry way;
Henceforth let's doe in goodnesse
as we have done in ill;
Ile doe my best,
doe thou the rest:"
"A match!" quoth Joan, "I will."
So, leaving those mad humors
which them before possest,
both man and wife
doe lead a life
in plenty, peace and rest.
Now John and Joan both, jointly,
doe set hands to the Plough.
Let all doe so
in weale or woe,
And they'l do well enough.
M.P.
Finis.
Printed at London for Tho : Lambert.
1 "damm'd," slang for "sold"?
From William Chappell, ed., Roxburghe Ballads, Hertford: Ballad Society, I, iii, 1871, 503-508.
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